Monday, November 9, 2009

Time Heals?

Some say that time heals. But does it really?

Could it be that we just become numb to the pain?

Relationships are very difficult.

Especially ones from afar where you can't hear a voice or see the body language.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I've started posting some poetry I've written. It can be found at

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

From a book I am writing. In talking of relationships I wrote the following:

"Wil sat down and neither of them had words at first. Its amazing the dead silence that one can feel even when music blares. They sat, drinks abandoned... Words unspoken... trusts, perhaps dreams laying in shards as a fine vase dropped."

How much life flows around us as we go through it? And then when its over, what do we have left?

What do we want to have at the end of life? Money? What is it really worth? Notoriety? Ho wlong will people remember? Love? Perhaps this is lasting.

A song from Evanescence called my immortal speaks to relationships too.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Relationships are difficult. How do we keep them alive? How do we not let them dissolve into something without meaning and life?

I have students who I dearly love. I have taught them for years and one I am on the brink of losing. Which is very unfortunate. We used to talk a lot. Do lunch. Call. Text. And now hardly anything. How do you rebuild a relationship that was there and now isn't anymore?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

It is a puzzle sometimes trying to understand how we get from one point in our lives to the next. One day you are one way and hold a certain set of beliefs and then poof they are gone to be replaced by another after a life changing event in our lives.

Events of this nature have happened to me a number of times. tyhe most recent last spring when I saw Her. And now I am no longer a devotee of a sky god who is removed but a Goddess grounded in the oceans and world around us. I still have not completely taken her hand. When she calls finally I will leave this plane of existence and move on to the next.

Music has always been special for me. I use it and poetry to help me understand life and for me to describe how I feel.

One of the groups that I like to listen to is Lifehouse. These lyrics speak to the soul.


Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I haven't had a dream in a long while where I died in the dream. Last night I had one.

I went down in a fiery crash at the Flagstaff Airport. Went into the trees and that was it.

What part of my life is chaging so much that I feel like I am dying? Or what the heck is this dream alluding to?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Was going through old music the other day and ran across a song I had not heard in a long time. Its by a band called Toad the Wet Sprocket. Song is Walk on the ocean.

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everythings better, everythings safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said wed send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed theyd already forgotten wed came

Now were back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people dont know you
And trust is a joke
We dont even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

Friday, October 9, 2009

I was surfing today and found someone on the net that had an experience similar to mine. They wrote the following poem. It resonated with me.

"Come to me my child,
there is no reason to cry,
For in the darkest night,
I will show you the light.

From me rise and break the tides,
You don't have to travel for miles,
I have always been by your side.

Join me and you will forever smile,
For I will show you your might.

Come to me my child
I will greet you with arms open wide.
I will show you the light,
Together we will fly
Until your tears have all dried."

Friday, October 2, 2009

Washington Seminar

Its about 5 in the morning and I am sitting int he Flagstaff Airport. I'm heading to Moses Lake Washington to teach a rapier seminar. The people will get the first public look at the manuscript. I will be teaching a little of the theory and some of the p;ractical sections from the treatise.

I'm glad I can still travel to teach. Angina is still a problem but is manageable. And my breathing sucks big time. After I get back I need to talk to the pulmunologist again and see what he suggests. It gets very old not feeling well most of the time. Luckily I sleep pretty sound.

Well its Oct 6th and I am back from the seminar. Things went very well. I presented new material that no one has seen before. The students really liked it. I then taught a mix of Fabris, Giganti and Capo Ferro for the rest of the weekend. They really enjoyed the drills and all. Unfortunately many during open fencing moved back to old habits and did not try to employ whatthey learned. I fenced a number of the students and although I got a little angina they were not able to score any good touches on me. And I scored a number of nice hits.

All in all, the weekend was wonderful. I was able to relax and forget about things even though I was busy teaching the whole time. Met some new people and saw some that I already knew. A lot of fun and brightened my life being able to go.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Quietly I sit. Thinking on the presence who bade me come.
Am I ready to accept? What would that mean to some?

So tired. Wishing for some relief from pain.
Physical, emotional, to find peace again.

Does accepting and taking her hand cast my lot?
A renewed life or a transfer out?

Peace in knowing I lived complete.
Loving children and friends. Those who have gone to meet?

Reaching out and waiting, Her hand to take.
At peace and knowing what might be at stake.


Before posting what I want to post today, I need to post this poem.

Music, playing soft. Mesmerizing, sensual yet spiritual.
How long had it been playing? Chords lifting, heart strings playing?
I had always been told that one cannot survive the presence spiritual.
I had given up praying.

But today was different. I had entered an ecstatic state.
Quiet, just the music playing. Yet I had come to hate God.
Why had I come here today? Trepidation filled, yet perhaps a touch of fate.
Can one moment actually change a person? What path would now be trod?

I opened my eyes and yet they were closed.
Light. Music fading into the background. Peace.
Was it a presence I sensed? What would be disclosed?
From what might I find a release?

Shekhina. Divine feminine. Is she who God really is?
Standing above. Reaching out. Beckoning.
A presence and psyche so different from His.
Asking with a mere look, hair flowing.

The smile, how could I say no?
Yet I stayed. I was not ready to go with deity.
And yet I knew the beckoning would go on
with or without piety.

Shedding old beliefs like worn skin.
Understanding that the true nature is acceptance and love.
How can one filled with hate let her in?
Awe struck as She disappeared above.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


What do you do when you grow apart form someone?

I have had students that I have been very close to over the years. Its very hard when one grows distant even before leaving the University. Having hopes and dreams for students get shattered at times when they stop dropping by or contacting.

The same is true with other friends. The loss of a friend or a loved one is very difficult. try as one can, sometimes it is inevitable and the distances just widen.

On a happier note, I was able to visit my son Rhys at college and spend the day with him. It was a lot of fun. I think we talked more that day even with going to a concert than we did in the months before he went off to college. I hope to foster an even closer bond with him now that he is gone than when he was home. Tieg, my younger son, just started high school. He is interested in playing basketball for the high school but will really need to push himself. He has the potential but just needs the self motivation. He also decided he wants to be a physical therapist. And work with sports related therapy. A good choice hopefully for him.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Samhain is almost here

Samhain (pronounced Sow'in) is almost here. This time of year is a time to reflect on the past and to look toards what lies ahead. Modern folks in the US know this season as Halloween. But to the ancient Celts this was a season where the veil between this and the other world became thin and the dead could be seen and contacted.

In reflecting this morning on the problems in the world. It occured to me that many of todays problems can be attributed to religion and specifically male oriented and controlled religions such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Especially with Christianity and its view that this world is temporary (i.e. Jesus is gonna come and that is it), it is easy to take on a mindset that it doesn't matter what we do to the environment since its going to be transformed at his coming.

The ancient Celts, the American Indians, and other groups felt that the world must be cared for. That it was our responsibility to take care of our Mother Earth. How much better would we be off if everyone thought that way?

Back to Samhain. This is the season to think of what has been lost and of those that have gone before. I have lost much in my life. Love, opportunities, friends, and family members. It is hard to look back on some of the losses and not feel anger and even hatred. But what does that do to us as individuals? I believe it hurts us. But it is still difficult not to be angry or hold hate when hurts have been so extreme.

Walking out of darkness into light takes work.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The night air is starting to chill. Classes have started and are going well. I'm teaching a full class of fencing students. Mostly new students.

Over the summer I found two new northern Italian fencing manuscripts. One is dated 1669. The other sounds like a late 16th century transitional sidesword to rapier manuscript. I'm in the process of reading thru and translating the transitional piece. Its very good. Has a lot of information and tons of practical drills.

Luckily even with the heart probs I can still teach. I am travelling to Oregon in Octoger to teach a rapier seminar. Have taught there before and always had a good weekend.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Health can be such a tenuous thing.

Well, I lost an artery a short while back. A coronary artery. Its hard getting around right now. Just walking at the pace I used to produces angina. Sucks big time since I really like to exercise. hard to keep weight off too when not exercising.

Stress over the spring and summer can be attributed to the latest plug up of my circumflex artery. The doc says it is inoperable. And they don't want to go in and do openheart again as it may damage my mammary artery which is feeding part of the heart now.

So..... sort of screwed right now.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

trip to Europe

In June I was able to take a trip to Europe with my eldest son who graduated from high school and some other friends. To put it bluntly, the trip was phenomenal!

We flew British Airways (my favorite airline) into London Heathrow. We took very little luggage with us so we were able to easily take the tube to Kensington Station since we had a B&B right near there. We got in early enough to walk around a little. And we went to the Gloucester Arms pub for dinner and for our first pints. My son and Tara were the only ones under 21 but both over 18. Jenny and Christine both over 21. Poor jenny. She quickly got the name half pint as that is all she could handle. Most of us had hard cider with dinner. The next day we did a major walkabout. Saw the Thames, Buckingham Palace and a number of gardens.

Our next destination was Paris. We went thru the chunnel. Nice trip. Met a couple (well boss and his secretary) who bought us drinks. We entertained them. We came into the Nord train station which was right near the hotel we were staying in. A very seedy part of town. The next day we visited the Louvre and Notre Damn. Another big walkabout. Before the Louvre we visited an antiques shop that specialized in weaponry. We were able to handle all sorts of lovely pieces. I bought a small silver apple knife. Victorian era.

We then went on to Geneva. Unfortunately and also fortunately at the samr time we could not get a room in Geneva. We stayed in a little town called Devonne les Bains which was wonderful. Attended the Sunday all town market and also went to a local beach. French beaches are topless BTW. One of the girls decided to go native.

From geneva we went to Bologna. This was the highlight of my trip. I love Bologna. the architecture in Bologna is wonderful. Covered walkways are on either side of the street which makes walking outside nice. Bologna is hot in the summer. We saw the Two Towers, many museums, visited the University and walked a lot.

After Bologna we went back to London. We visited the British Library where we were able to handle some historical documents on fencing. We did a major walkbout each day. Including spending a good part of a day at the Portobello Market. We met friends of mine from Europe in London.

All in all a great trip!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

New to blogger

I thought I'd start blogging. Lots has happened in my life in the past number of years. I've moved past religion. Had major changes in health. Lost people that I loved dearly.

I'll be posting notes, stories, poetry and general events from my life here.

Love is the key to living. We all must have love to thrive. Whether it is a heterosexual couple or a gay couple, love is so important.

Along with love is the need to mend broken hearts. sometimes mending a broken heart takes time. And takes drastic measures. These measures are not easy but have to be done for the betterment of the person or people experiencing a broken heart. If your heart was broken, look inward and search for the good. Remember what made a love possible. A song comes to min by 3 Doors Down.

I think i've walked too close to love
And now i'm falling in
Theres so many things this weary soul can't take
Maybe you just caught me by surprise
The first time that i looked into your eyes

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
Feel like home

This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be
But i can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me
I know we both see these changes now
I know we both understand somehow

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home
(hold on, you're home to me)

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home

Find the one who will make you feel like home. This is so important. And let go of the hurt and let the wounds heal.