Tuesday, October 27, 2009

From a book I am writing. In talking of relationships I wrote the following:

"Wil sat down and neither of them had words at first. Its amazing the dead silence that one can feel even when music blares. They sat, drinks abandoned... Words unspoken... trusts, perhaps dreams laying in shards as a fine vase dropped."

How much life flows around us as we go through it? And then when its over, what do we have left?

What do we want to have at the end of life? Money? What is it really worth? Notoriety? Ho wlong will people remember? Love? Perhaps this is lasting.

A song from Evanescence called my immortal speaks to relationships too.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Relationships are difficult. How do we keep them alive? How do we not let them dissolve into something without meaning and life?

I have students who I dearly love. I have taught them for years and one I am on the brink of losing. Which is very unfortunate. We used to talk a lot. Do lunch. Call. Text. And now hardly anything. How do you rebuild a relationship that was there and now isn't anymore?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

It is a puzzle sometimes trying to understand how we get from one point in our lives to the next. One day you are one way and hold a certain set of beliefs and then poof they are gone to be replaced by another after a life changing event in our lives.

Events of this nature have happened to me a number of times. tyhe most recent last spring when I saw Her. And now I am no longer a devotee of a sky god who is removed but a Goddess grounded in the oceans and world around us. I still have not completely taken her hand. When she calls finally I will leave this plane of existence and move on to the next.

Music has always been special for me. I use it and poetry to help me understand life and for me to describe how I feel.

One of the groups that I like to listen to is Lifehouse. These lyrics speak to the soul.


Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I haven't had a dream in a long while where I died in the dream. Last night I had one.

I went down in a fiery crash at the Flagstaff Airport. Went into the trees and that was it.

What part of my life is chaging so much that I feel like I am dying? Or what the heck is this dream alluding to?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Was going through old music the other day and ran across a song I had not heard in a long time. Its by a band called Toad the Wet Sprocket. Song is Walk on the ocean.

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everythings better, everythings safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said wed send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed theyd already forgotten wed came

Now were back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people dont know you
And trust is a joke
We dont even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

Friday, October 9, 2009

I was surfing today and found someone on the net that had an experience similar to mine. They wrote the following poem. It resonated with me.

"Come to me my child,
there is no reason to cry,
For in the darkest night,
I will show you the light.

From me rise and break the tides,
You don't have to travel for miles,
I have always been by your side.

Join me and you will forever smile,
For I will show you your might.

Come to me my child
I will greet you with arms open wide.
I will show you the light,
Together we will fly
Until your tears have all dried."

Friday, October 2, 2009

Washington Seminar

Its about 5 in the morning and I am sitting int he Flagstaff Airport. I'm heading to Moses Lake Washington to teach a rapier seminar. The people will get the first public look at the manuscript. I will be teaching a little of the theory and some of the p;ractical sections from the treatise.

I'm glad I can still travel to teach. Angina is still a problem but is manageable. And my breathing sucks big time. After I get back I need to talk to the pulmunologist again and see what he suggests. It gets very old not feeling well most of the time. Luckily I sleep pretty sound.

Well its Oct 6th and I am back from the seminar. Things went very well. I presented new material that no one has seen before. The students really liked it. I then taught a mix of Fabris, Giganti and Capo Ferro for the rest of the weekend. They really enjoyed the drills and all. Unfortunately many during open fencing moved back to old habits and did not try to employ whatthey learned. I fenced a number of the students and although I got a little angina they were not able to score any good touches on me. And I scored a number of nice hits.

All in all, the weekend was wonderful. I was able to relax and forget about things even though I was busy teaching the whole time. Met some new people and saw some that I already knew. A lot of fun and brightened my life being able to go.